you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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