Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
