Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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