god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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