you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
