wrigley field is MILF paradise
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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