I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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