Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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