Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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