Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
