the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
