At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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