it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
