The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
