I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
