Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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