Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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