You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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