dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
