At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
