I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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