She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
