Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
