filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
