tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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