I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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