i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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