I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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