As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
