onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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