cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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