I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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