Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
