I feel like abortions should bother me more
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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