brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
