you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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