If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
