we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It was a blind-side dick pic.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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