i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
