apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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