im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Houston, we have a blender
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
