yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
