dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
