There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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