allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
