If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize