just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
