goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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