I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
