I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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