I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
