New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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