i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
