ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish my penis had an off switch
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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