just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
