I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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