At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
