I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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