Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize