I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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