Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
